I am always afraid.
I wish that was a rhetorical statement, but it is the truest of my truths. I am always, always afraid. It has been crippling, anxiety driven, irrational fears that have largely led me to a life of happenstance. Instead of charging forward for what I want, I have done the bare minimum so that I am not utterly destroyed if things fall apart. There have been some successes, but mostly there has been mediocrity. A mediocre life does no one justice.
News flash things will fall apart. It is sometimes inevitable.
That isn’t to say that preparedness wouldn’t have helped. On the contrary, preparedness at its base allows for worst case scenarios. It is ready for the expected outcome, and the diversion when the plan changes. It is not dictated by fear. It girths itself for battle. It faces head-on the unforeseen war.
That takes courage and courage takes control over fear. I have learned this the hard way more times than I care to honestly relive. Over the last five years, I have faced head on unforeseen wars, because I have had no choice.
Fall or Fly.
I was pushed from those ledges and I have been navigating blindly ever since. Until now.
In the midst of being pushed an opportunity came my way that I was not prepared for. The only difference this time, was that I had already faced some of my deepest fears. I had courage, because I had nothing else to lose.
Sink or Swim.
I took the opportunity, unsure of where it would lead. It brought me to a hidden dream. One that I had spoken out loud, but never believed I would come to see exist. I didn’t know how to draw it out of myself. I didn’t even know if I could.
Tread Water or Drown.
It was overwhelming and far more than I had expected. If I had known then what I know now, I probably would have convinced myself to say “no”. Someone else could have done it more justice, made it more successful. I wasn’t the one who could do it right, but I did it well.
I surprised myself. I have aimed to keep surprising myself ever since.
This year, is my Year of the Leap.
Instead of waiting to be pushed, pulled, or dragged kicking and screaming from my comfort zone I am jumping. I am writing the books for myself that I love. I am building a brand even though I know nothing about branding. I am working long hours, away from the children I prayed for so that one day they will see their mother’s name in print and be proud. I am cracking open.
I am afraid. I am always, always, always afraid.
There are so many unknowns and the Virgo in me hates unknowns. (Hates!) I want guarantee’s and there is none- save these. I have fallen before. I have flown. I have sunk before. I have swam. I have learned how to tread water. I will not drown. I will not drown.
I am always afraid. But what is a dream if it does not prompt the absolute need to stare into the monster of the abyss and face it down?
As I look out into this year, and the unknowns curdle like spoiled milk in my stomach, I know this will be another year that shapes me. I know it will mean some very long nights, and longer prayers. I will force me to admit what I want for myself and those I love. It will force me to confront my shortcomings in a way that I will never believe myself capable of doing. I will have to challenge my most private thoughts in order to accomplish my vision over my life.
It is hard leaving the ledge for an unknown landing, but I have decided to be transformed. I hope it transforms you too.